Pregnancy by the Numbers

1-Number of fetuses that I am carrying. A great relief, though if I were an ultrasound technician I would be fired for repeatedly pulling the "Ohhhhh, I see two there!" prank.

2-Number of times I have thrown up on a public street in the city. Never again will I silently judge people as alcoholics. Maybe their baby is trying to kill them from the inside out, as mine is clearly attempting.

3-Bags of IV fluids that the kind staff at the Emergency Department have dumped into my veins to keep me from dehydrating into a raisin.

4-Weeks until I will see some relief from this soul-draining nausea.

5-Variations of crackers that I have gone through: Club, Saltine, Graham, Animal and Ritz

6-The time that I now crawl into bed in the pm, and drag myself out of bed in the am

7-Number of pounds that I have gained from inhaling carbs, despite continuous vomiting.

8-Weeks pregnant. I have the pictures to prove it. They burned me a disc. How 2009. It's the future!!!!!!!!

But, DAMMIT.
I'm still happy.
I don't blame the little lima bean.
I can take it :)

Opaque Update

I have SO much to say at the moment. It is a wonderful time in my life. I think I've been sitting at the crossroads for a bit, swimming in indecision.

I needed a little push in one direction or the other. Which I have, in fact, received. It is an unbelievable feeling to be moving forward. At an alarming rate, no less.

That is my cryptic hint at big changes to come. Things are in the works...REALLY IN THE WORKS. But, I have learned that it is best to quietly proceed until what I have to share is tangible.

I CAN share SOME of the exciting happenings in my life. Though it's best to let my BFF Kerry share the news: Welcome Jude :)

Life. Is. Good.

XOXO
Zan

If Today Was Opposite Day

*I'd be a calming presence to everyone I met, known for my relaxed demeanor

*I'd proceed with confidence, undeterred by even the sharpest of corners

*I'd have everything 100% figured out

*I'd own a sprawling, expertly decorated loft

*My time would be used to better the world, never for selfish indulgences

*I'd make the best decisions, without the use of hindsight

*Black lipstick and neon eyeshadow would transcend couture fashion spreads and runways and hit the streets, just to shake us all up:

But, today is not opposite day.

I am who I am.

Sometimes I crawl when I ought to run.

Sometimes I run when I ought to fight.

Sometimes I fight when I ought to use a soft touch.

But whether I crawl, run or fight my way through things, it's the Zan way. I try my best.

Dammit, it might not be opposite day, but I'm wearing the fucking neon eyeshadow.

I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman-or-Zippers v. Snaps

So, you know it is absolutely, undeniably a Friday when I am referencing old Britney Spears songs to best describe how I'm feeling. Quite frankly, I don't remember how the song goes--not entirely sure if I've ever even heard it. But, I DO remember rolling my eyes some years ago at the title.

IRONIC now, because that is EXACTLY how I am feeling at this point in my life, particularly today.

This morning, I scooted out of my apartment at the normal ultra responsible hour. Before the sun has risen, the city streets are just beginning to bustle with the business of well, business. As always, I stumbled out to face the elements in my quasi-professional attire and I confidently threw my purse over my shoulder and zipped my coat with admirable efficiency.

Oh, WAIT. By "zipped my coat with admirable efficiency" I meant: mangled the zipper into the fabric, rendering the whole coat unzipperable.

It seems like I am maybe one of the only adults who has still not mastered the zipping of one's coat. Another disclosure? I still double-knot my shoelaces, and if I can find a pair of cool sneakers with VELCRO(!)--MY GOD EVEN BETTER.

Some days I roll over in my bed and I feel pretty content with my downtown digs, my sweet ass job and my increasingly socially responsible activities. Then I realize my apartment is only half furnished/painted, I've only stumbled halfway through college and I eagerly spend an abnormal amount of my life in costume.

I've grown up a lot in the last few years. Quit drinking, found my nutrition/workout balance, hopped onto the career train and found some stability in my finances. Its all still a work in progress, but there aren't really any days where anything feels INSURMOUNTABLE. Truly, nothing seems unmanageable at this point.

Yet...a confession: My coat zipper is still stuck. Apparently I might never be the type of person who can patiently dislodge fabric from a little metal contraption with ease. My children are either going to have to learn this skill on their own, or else get used to my saving grace: SNAPS. Sure, I had to wrangle my coat over my head to get it off, but I was TOTALLY bundled with the outer fail-safe layer of snaps on my coat. Which gives me some hope that other adults need a back-up plan.

So, maybe it's not that I'm not yet a woman...maybe I'm more a "snaps and velcro" bitch, than a "zipper and shoelaces" woman.

I can live with that.

XOXO
Zan

Brraaaains...

Who doesn't love an excuse to dress like the undead?

Normal Zan (Well...comparitively normal)

+

Ben Nye Makeup, Mohawk Paste, Liquid Latex and a bit of time

=

Of course Anne was part of the Shennanigans:

Well, Anne, I and thousands of others:

http://www.zombiepubcrawl.com/2009/

It was pretty fantastic until we actually JOINED the pub crawl.

Too many people. Or, too many creepy guys. Next year I'm going entirely rogue.

Though, there was this epic photography moment.

I love October.

XOXO

Zan

Boom-Boom/Smack---You've got it easy dingbat.

It's cold, gray and drizzling in the cities. It's 100% miserable. Me feet got wet as I walked to my bus stop. My sopping wet umbrella dripped over the parts of me which had actually remained unspoiled by the wetness in the air.

So, I stomped into my office a tad crabby; feeling relatively justified.

First thing on my desk---A urgent need request from a patient for financial aid.

They have terminal cancer.

They don't have insurance.

They lost their family home, because they couldn't work.

They had to move far away.

They can't afford the deposit on an apartment.


I hurried into my supervisor's office to get it signed and processed ASAP, my very small contribution to these matters. I try to get everything wrapped up fast, maybe I can get them that check ONE DAY earlier. One day earlier is a 1000 days when you are in a financially strained situation.

I shoved it under the nose of my overly busy boss. We both tend to clip along at a pleasant, slightly impersonal, roadrunner pace. But, I hovered over her, silent while she read. She quickly grabbed a pen to scribble her signature.

She paused.

"We are really, really lucky. Aren't we?"

"My god, we are."

XOXO
Zan

Updates/Ongoing/Snippets

Spotted: Enjoying the beautiful views of Bayfield WI. Wearing 80s vintage and BCBG shoes in a very stylish crowd of wedding guests. Waking up to a suprise lakeside view in a small township, outside of Duluth, MN. Laughing/Complaining about having to witness the most heinous fashion show EVER. Drinking a late night (decaf) latte and the Spyhouse.

Wearing: Short blunt bangs. Near black hair. Plum colored tights. Black and brown riding boots. Sleek pencil skirts. Rebellious white after labor day. Red lipstick, strong brows. Graphic black and white combinations. Short short skirts with unexpected colored tights. Sliced and Diced vintage tees.

Drinking: Freshly made Wisconsin apple cider. Pumpkin lattes. Sugar-free red-bull. Mint green tea.

Eating: Vegan cheesecake cupcakes in lieu of wedding cake. String cheese. Lemon Luna Bars. Vietnamese food from a cute restaurant on the University campus. Late night veggie dogs. Vast quantities of cereal.

Loving: My fabulous girlfriends. My kooky mother and my patient stepdad. The ever-calming presence of a certain British companion. Documentaries. Travel opportunities. My job.

Laughing: About my failed Beyonce impression. At terrible, awkward sex full of equipment malfunctions.

Wanting: A professional massage. More Furniture. To be surrounded by art and images that I love. A big bear hug.

Waiting: For a sign of what's to come. For that phone call that I dread. For winter to come charging through the door. For Halloween, and the out of town trip that coincides. The births of two destined to be amazing boys, in the very near future.

Feeling: Capable. Wishy-washy. Serene. Edgy. Apprehensive. Horny. Overjoyed. Romantic. Secure. Delighted. Dreamy. Alive. Festive. Blessed. Sore. Clever. Shaky. Provocative. Liberated. Fortunate. Impulsive. Eager. Inspired. Brave. Hesitant. Stupefied.

Living: by these words: "You are what you love, not what loves you back."

Saying: "How did I end up at this point? Chasing a cat around with a speculum"

Believing: That fate exists, but solely in the form of opportunities which we can choose to indulge or ignore.

XOXO
Zan