I am alive.

Yesterday I projectile vomited and the toilet/puke water swelled and flew directly into my open eye. This, even in the moment of extreme disgust/pain was HILARIOUS. I was totally blinded and horrified AND TERRIBLY AMUSED. In a panic I immediately flew over to the sink to start flushing out my eye, trying to ignore the fact that I was not done vomiting. I had to catapult back and forth between the eye-washing station and the toilet, which resulted in me puking all over my hair.

Then when all the puking drama subsided and the hair wash de-vomited, I couldn't stop thinking---IS THAT HOW YOU GET PINK EYE?

I spent all of last night winking my eye and swearing that it felt "squishy and infected", though today I can assure you that it is totally ok. I think. Feels...squishy.

Anyway, that pretty much describes life at the moment.

I am so godmotherfuckindamn sick I can't believe that I am somehow sustaining life to a growing fetus. I can't believe I am sustaining life to a living Zan.

I thought I was going to be this PHENOMENAL pregnant woman who meticulously ate everything right and continued her workout regimen throughout the entire nine months and glowed with maternal beauty. Because, dammit, I take great care of myself in my non-pregnant state. Like, freaky follows-every-single-health-rule, puts-90%-of-the-population-to-shame great care.

Instead, I have to sustain life exclusively off of neon colored Gatorade, dry bread products and crackers. I spend 14 hours in bed everyday, more if I can't make it into work. Well, with breaks to the toilet for my puke-fests.

All bitching aside, when I see the little lima bean on the ultrasound, bobbing confidently up and down with those little arm nubs and a strong heart that goes BEATBEATBEAT, I think...

Alright, kiddo.

If you can hang on-- I can too.

We're in this together.

I'll see you in June.

I'll be the one with the pink, swollen eye.

xoxo

Zan

New Life Plan

I'm just going to purchase a snuggie, swaddle myself in it and hibernate in my bed for the next 7 months.

Okay, REALISTICALLY, no. But, if I could...hmmm

I was sent home from work today by popular vote. Apparently the echo of my tortured, violent vomiting fits are too much for everyone in my office suite to endure. That and I looked positively pea-soup green today, which was alarming everyone.

So, I HATE HATE HATE to contemplate not being the toughest cookie in the package, but it looks like I may be having to take a short-term medical leave for my Hyperemesis.

I just literally cannot stop throwing up. I grip my desk with steely determination, armed with every doctor approved anti-nausea aid. Yet, I fail again and again. Nature takes over and I'm left hovering over the toilet, battling backsplash from attacking my work clothes.

But, this is the upside:

I'm fortunate to work in the medical field, with a group of AMAZING women, who coo over me and compassionately cover for me.

I work in a building ATTACHED to my OBGYNs office. Seriously! I can just meander over there when I'm feeling lonely, or want people to fret over me. It's not even a five minute walk.

I have health insurance to cover these frequent trips to the E.R.

No one is going to let me die of dehydration. I'm in a safe little bubble of sickness.

I just have to push through. I may need to vent a little. I'll need a lotta gatorade.

But, I can do this.

I can DEFINITELY do this.

XOXO

Zan

Pregnancy by the Numbers

1-Number of fetuses that I am carrying. A great relief, though if I were an ultrasound technician I would be fired for repeatedly pulling the "Ohhhhh, I see two there!" prank.

2-Number of times I have thrown up on a public street in the city. Never again will I silently judge people as alcoholics. Maybe their baby is trying to kill them from the inside out, as mine is clearly attempting.

3-Bags of IV fluids that the kind staff at the Emergency Department have dumped into my veins to keep me from dehydrating into a raisin.

4-Weeks until I will see some relief from this soul-draining nausea.

5-Variations of crackers that I have gone through: Club, Saltine, Graham, Animal and Ritz

6-The time that I now crawl into bed in the pm, and drag myself out of bed in the am

7-Number of pounds that I have gained from inhaling carbs, despite continuous vomiting.

8-Weeks pregnant. I have the pictures to prove it. They burned me a disc. How 2009. It's the future!!!!!!!!

But, DAMMIT.
I'm still happy.
I don't blame the little lima bean.
I can take it :)

Opaque Update

I have SO much to say at the moment. It is a wonderful time in my life. I think I've been sitting at the crossroads for a bit, swimming in indecision.

I needed a little push in one direction or the other. Which I have, in fact, received. It is an unbelievable feeling to be moving forward. At an alarming rate, no less.

That is my cryptic hint at big changes to come. Things are in the works...REALLY IN THE WORKS. But, I have learned that it is best to quietly proceed until what I have to share is tangible.

I CAN share SOME of the exciting happenings in my life. Though it's best to let my BFF Kerry share the news: Welcome Jude :)

Life. Is. Good.

XOXO
Zan

If Today Was Opposite Day

*I'd be a calming presence to everyone I met, known for my relaxed demeanor

*I'd proceed with confidence, undeterred by even the sharpest of corners

*I'd have everything 100% figured out

*I'd own a sprawling, expertly decorated loft

*My time would be used to better the world, never for selfish indulgences

*I'd make the best decisions, without the use of hindsight

*Black lipstick and neon eyeshadow would transcend couture fashion spreads and runways and hit the streets, just to shake us all up:

But, today is not opposite day.

I am who I am.

Sometimes I crawl when I ought to run.

Sometimes I run when I ought to fight.

Sometimes I fight when I ought to use a soft touch.

But whether I crawl, run or fight my way through things, it's the Zan way. I try my best.

Dammit, it might not be opposite day, but I'm wearing the fucking neon eyeshadow.

I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman-or-Zippers v. Snaps

So, you know it is absolutely, undeniably a Friday when I am referencing old Britney Spears songs to best describe how I'm feeling. Quite frankly, I don't remember how the song goes--not entirely sure if I've ever even heard it. But, I DO remember rolling my eyes some years ago at the title.

IRONIC now, because that is EXACTLY how I am feeling at this point in my life, particularly today.

This morning, I scooted out of my apartment at the normal ultra responsible hour. Before the sun has risen, the city streets are just beginning to bustle with the business of well, business. As always, I stumbled out to face the elements in my quasi-professional attire and I confidently threw my purse over my shoulder and zipped my coat with admirable efficiency.

Oh, WAIT. By "zipped my coat with admirable efficiency" I meant: mangled the zipper into the fabric, rendering the whole coat unzipperable.

It seems like I am maybe one of the only adults who has still not mastered the zipping of one's coat. Another disclosure? I still double-knot my shoelaces, and if I can find a pair of cool sneakers with VELCRO(!)--MY GOD EVEN BETTER.

Some days I roll over in my bed and I feel pretty content with my downtown digs, my sweet ass job and my increasingly socially responsible activities. Then I realize my apartment is only half furnished/painted, I've only stumbled halfway through college and I eagerly spend an abnormal amount of my life in costume.

I've grown up a lot in the last few years. Quit drinking, found my nutrition/workout balance, hopped onto the career train and found some stability in my finances. Its all still a work in progress, but there aren't really any days where anything feels INSURMOUNTABLE. Truly, nothing seems unmanageable at this point.

Yet...a confession: My coat zipper is still stuck. Apparently I might never be the type of person who can patiently dislodge fabric from a little metal contraption with ease. My children are either going to have to learn this skill on their own, or else get used to my saving grace: SNAPS. Sure, I had to wrangle my coat over my head to get it off, but I was TOTALLY bundled with the outer fail-safe layer of snaps on my coat. Which gives me some hope that other adults need a back-up plan.

So, maybe it's not that I'm not yet a woman...maybe I'm more a "snaps and velcro" bitch, than a "zipper and shoelaces" woman.

I can live with that.

XOXO
Zan

Brraaaains...

Who doesn't love an excuse to dress like the undead?

Normal Zan (Well...comparitively normal)

+

Ben Nye Makeup, Mohawk Paste, Liquid Latex and a bit of time

=

Of course Anne was part of the Shennanigans:

Well, Anne, I and thousands of others:

http://www.zombiepubcrawl.com/2009/

It was pretty fantastic until we actually JOINED the pub crawl.

Too many people. Or, too many creepy guys. Next year I'm going entirely rogue.

Though, there was this epic photography moment.

I love October.

XOXO

Zan